Having written about marriage before, I now find myself in the unhappy situation of thinking about divorce. Not my own, I might add, but the potential divorce of two people I love dearly. When I listen to the sadness of their situation, my heart reaches out to both of them and particularly to their child. I find myself wondering what I should say, what I should think and what I should do - if anything.
In my former work as a lawyer, particularly in the very early years, I worked with people who were getting divorced and it struck me how you would always talk to the ‘wronged’ party in a divorce. There was always so much bitterness and hurt on both sides that sometimes I would get home from work and burst into tears having taken on some of the pain that they were experiencing. It seemed to me that - almost unavoidably - divorce is a battleground from which noone, even the bystanders, escape unscathed.
If you read the statistics about divorce, they are equally as gloomy. People who divorce are likely to be in poorer health, their life expectancy is lower, they are more likely to suffer from depression, suffer financial problems and find difficulty in forming future relationships. But worst of all is what it does to the children. The children of divorce are likely to name their parents divorce as the most significant and damaging thing that ever happened to them. As a result, they are more likely to have dysfunctional relationships as adults, they are more prone to substance abuse and depression and they are less likely to achieve well academically. That is the doom and gloom side from a purely secular approach. It would be unbalanced of me not to mention that I can think of several very good friends and family members too who have gone through the process, healed and come out of the other side. They carry battle scars but they have survived.
So, what does the bible say about marriage/divorce? Well, here is a quick round up:
“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up” – Ecclesiastes 4:9,10
“Take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth. For the Lord God of Israel says that he hates divorce, ‘for it covers one’s garment with violence,’ says the Lord of hosts. Therefore, take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously’ – Malachi 2:15,16
“Marriage is honourable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge” Hebrews 13:4
“Now to the married I command you, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband and a husband is not to divorce his wife” 1 Corinthians 7:10,11
And, most importantly, what Jesus said about it:
“Haven’t you read, he replied, that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female’ and said ‘for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they two will become one flesh’ So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate.’ “Why then,” they asked “did Moses command that a man could give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?” Jesus replied “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife...and marries another woman commits adultery”. Matthew 19:13-15
It seems pretty unequivocal then, the bible does not advocate divorce. It is not a surprise really, if you consider the Golden Rule then divorce cannot really be compatible with it. It seems highly unlikely, therefore, that any decision to get divorced would ever be a spirit-led one. Or is it that simple?
In the world that we live in today that promotes individualism, the importance of ‘me’, ‘my satisfaction’, ‘my achievements’ “because you’re worth it” are so prevalent; the idea of obedience to God is quite counter-cultural. When I spoke to one of my Christian friends and asked her opinion about whether you should continue to be married to someone who you didn’t feel ‘in love’ with anymore her response was – I thought – pretty harsh:
“Of course, God hates divorce. If necessary, your life should be a living sacrifice in obedience to God.”
I winced at that! Surely, our loving God does not demand that of us. It is only one view, of course. Didn’t say Jesus said that he came that we should have life and have it to the full? However, perhaps our worldly perception of what having a ‘full’ life is has been subject to the cultural bombardment that we get through the media. Consumerism – have this, you need this, you’re entitled to this....I must admit when I think of living life to the full, one of the first thoughts that springs to my mind is the Pepsi Max advert with guys jumping out of aeroplanes and surfing and taking it ‘to the max’. The packaged, consumer version of a full life. The satisfaction or fullness that Jesus was talking about was a life in obedience of God. Not always easy. In fact, it can be really, really difficult.
Apart from the individualistic consumer culture that we live in which daily bombards us with the message that we should fulfil our individual needs, there are lots of other things which can attack a marriage. Here are a few:
• Selfishness and neglect
• Infidelity
• Past hurts
• Memories and ties from previous relationships
• Low self-esteem
• Poor communication
• Alcohol, drugs, gambling, pornography, lust, obsessions
• Worshipping other Gods – not necessarily an idol in old-fashioned terms but other idols; an ‘ideal’, an addiction, money, power, television, the internet, ‘a dream’,alcohol, sport – anything that we put before God or that gets in the way of our relationship with God.
And, of course, as C S Lewis points out so brilliantly in the Screwtape Letters, the devil will get hold of whatever your weakness is and work away at it. It is easy to forget that ultimately, all of our battles are spiritual ones and I recommend - when picking teams - it's best to go for the one who has already won!
What to do then as a friend of a couple contemplating divorce? The first thing is certainly not to cast any judgement.
‘Let he who is without sin cast the first stone’.
Well, given that I am certainly not without sin, but admit readily to my own greed, selfishness, anger and sinfulness, it is certainly not for me to judge. Perhaps it is better to try and UNDERSTAND.
I feel the most constructive thing that I can do is PRAY. I know that prayer is powerful and I know that prayers get answered.
It is also not my place to criticise – again, Jesus taught us to ‘look at the log in our own eye’ before offering to take the twig out of someone elses. I know that I should be loving and gentle and kind – because that is, after all, the love that gets shown to me by God. Perhaps it is better just to LOVE.
I wonder if divorce could ever be God’s will? What if the marriage is violent, abusive, oppressive? Would the biblical teaching on divorce apply then? Would God expect someone to stay married to someone would beats them? I don’t think the Church of England would expect that, in fact, the Church of England have now become much more accepting of divorce in that they will allow divorcee’s to marry in church. I guess this is an acknowledgement of human weakness and the need for forgiveness and that, ultimately, it is for God and not man to judge.
It has also made me aware of the importance of praying for my own marriage. And, I pray this prayer for myself and other married couples. Please join me to pray for your own marriage or the marriages of others:
• Lord, I pray for protection for those who are married – protection from anything that may seek to harm or destroy it from the slow-burn of neglect to the passion of anger or jealousy, from selfishness or recklessness, from plans or desires of others, through to struggles and difficulties, trials and losses.
• Please fasten our hearts from temptations outside of our marriage that may be destructive to it. Set us free from past hurts, memories that are painful, irritations and annoyances. Please free us from grudges and arguments that harden our hearts.
• I pray that we are not jealous or angry. I pray that you heal low self-esteem that leads to such feelings.
• Lord, let nothing take root in our habits or routines that strangles the marriage or pushes us apart. If it is already there Lord, I pray you weed it out and destroy it.
• Help us Lord to remember our bond of friendship, understanding, forgiveness, commitment and generosity.
• Help us to always remember why we were married in the first place and allow us always to retain the ability to rekindle and nurture that most basic love that started this marriage.
• I pray that those committed in marriage will be so committed to you Lord that they will not let their marriage go array with your strength and love. I pray that we will grow stronger in our marriage every day and will never leave the legacy of divorce to our children.
• In Jesus name I ask this. Amen.
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